Should I let my 9 year old wear makeup?

My daughter put on her beloved Stitch onesie pajama and came to snuggle with me in bed the other night. She leaned hard into me, no longer the squishy baby she once was, but a lean, lanky girl with strong muscles. She pushed her legs out long, holding the stretch in tension for several seconds before releasing with a sigh. She probably grew another 2 millimeters in that moment. Then, instead of folding into me and wanting a lullabye like she used to, she asked me frankly, “when can I wear makeup?” This moment was typical of the stage we find ourselves in – one in which she has one leg still in cartoon-loving, playground-romping, doll-collecting childhood, and the other leg firmly planted in tweendom.

Wearing makeup is one of several requests she has lately – along with wanting a phone, watching more things on YouTube, listening to mature music, and staying home alone when I run errands. “But Audrey gets to do this…Nalani gets to do that…” she says, as if I’m the evil mother in Rapunzel who keeps her locked in a tower. I feel….conflicted. I don’t want to raise a sheltered child. I know several people who homeschool and have tight control over what their children watch, listen to, read, and who they converse with. I’ll never be that level of protective. Not because I judge it as a bad decision, but because I don’t personally have the bandwidth to monitor things at that level. However, there are certain things that I deem beyond her maturity level.

But makeup certainly has me stumped. As a feminist, I see this issue from a couple different angles. My first inclination is to think, “You don’t need makeup. You are beautiful and perfect the way you are. Makeup will change the way others look at you. It will sexualize you too early. Women and girls shouldn’t need to change or enhance their physical appearance to feel worthy.” And yet, I know that makeup is also a form of self-expression, similar (but not exactly the same) as a hairstyle or clothes.

I’ve tried thinking of different solutions. Wait until middle school. Only let her wear certain types of makeup (a little lip gloss and eye shadow, maybe). Only on special occasions. But none of these seemed like I was getting at the heart of the issue.

So I finally landed on doing something I had been avoiding. I had to talk to her about how society views women and girls. I explained that people may interpret her as older than she is, and that this might garner attention she doesn’t want. I told her that while makeup might make her feel prettier, her worth in this world doesn’t come from her appearance (even though it can feel that way sometimes). And while I know she didn’t understand the complexity of everything I was trying to explain, I could tell she knew I was speaking to her in a way I rarely have before – one that acknowledged some hard truths about society’s view of women, that hinted at the fact that others might desire her in a way they haven’t before, and that showed a level of concern and protectiveness that I’ve seldom conveyed so sincerely.

We talked it through together and decided together that she can have a makeup kit and use it at home. I’ll show her how to do everything. But she can’t wear anything but tinted lip balm when she’s out and about. Because at the end of the day, she is still just a little girl who has many other forms of self-expression, and I’m not ready for the world to view her as anything other than the innocent child she is.