From breast to bottle: My unexpected breastfeeding journey

When you become a mom, you are flooded by advice. While all this advice is well-intentioned, it’s often conflicting. And it doesn’t just come from people you know – it comes from books, magazines, websites, and influencers. Making sense of it all is overwhelming, especially if you’re like me. You see, I want to be the best mom I possibly can. So when I stepped into motherhood, every decision felt really important.

I read everything I could. I took classes. I listened to the doctors and nurses. In the weeks before my due date, I had read extensively about the benefits of breastfeeding, and was confident that I would breastfeed my baby.

When I arrived at the hospital at 8:30am, I was already 5 centimeters dilated. I had my baby within 6 hours of arriving. I was at 8 centimeters when I got the epidural, so I definitely experienced some contraction pain. But generally, it was a smooth delivery, and I was surprised at how manageable it was. I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I was so relieved and happy!

With barely a minute to breathe, one of the nurses brought my baby girl to my breast and put her mouth on my nipple. I was woefully underprepared for how much that was going to hurt. Not only did it make me writhe with pain, but it didn’t work. For the next 48 hours in the hospital, the nurses and lactation specialists kept trying to help me get my daughter to latch. But it wasn’t happening. And it hurt really, REALLY bad. Little did I know that I had very sensitive nipples.

For the next several weeks, I didn’t give up. I knew the benefits of breastfeeding – from increased test scores to better immunity. I kept bringing her to my breast, hoping for the best. Occasionally she’d latch for a few minutes, which gave me hope to keep going. But more often than not, she’d pull off and throw her head back screaming. My body paid the price. My nipples cracked and bled. I couldn’t have imagined how desperate I would feel in these moments, crying in bed, feeling like we were failing. How could I not have known this was going to be the hardest part?

Thank goodness for the pump. Don’t get me wrong, pumping was no walk in the park either. But I had plenty of supply, and the pump provided my swollen breasts relief, and it provided my daughter the milk I was so eager to give her. I spent many weeks with the not-so-gentle pulse of the pump rhythmically ticking the time away.

I held on as long as I could. After 6 weeks of exclusive pumping, I introduced formula occasionally. By 3 months, I fully transitioned away from pumping. I was proud of sticking to what I felt was best. And when I tucked the pump away in the closet, I was also very relieved. Putting the pump away was also what was best.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that experience would encapsulate a lot of lessons of parenting that I carry with me today.

1) It’s good to go in with a goal.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed, because I had read extensively about its benefits. When that didn’t seem to be working out, I went for the next best thing by pumping. I’m glad I had done that, and I’ve continued to set parenting goals since then. I believe in the power of reading up on options, making informed decisions, having intention, and setting goals.

2) Remain flexible.

It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others or feeling inadequate when things don't go as planned. However, it's crucial to embrace the imperfect journey and recognize that you are doing an incredible job. Every baby and every mother is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. In this case, I had to deviate from my original plan, and while it wasn’t what I had envisioned, it all worked out. I try to embrace the messy moments, learn from them, and celebrate the small victories along the way.

3) You have to take care of yourself.

I pushed myself to pump for as long as I could. But when it became too much and it started affecting my mental health, I knew I had to let it go and stick with formula. As a new mom, it's easy to put your needs on the back burner while focusing solely on your baby. However, it's vital to prioritize self-care to maintain your physical and emotional well-being. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish—it's necessary. By respecting your own limits, you'll have the strength and resilience to be the best mom you can be.